So very pissing tired.

Argh I am so tired.

I'm not sleeping and am constantly aching. I know there are others out there like me, I even found a couple on twitter a few days ago, by using the tag #ankylosingspondylitis. There wasn't much there, but one person gets chest pains too, which suprised me (& the person when i said I get chest pains too) as it seems to be a rare symptom for AS. Nice to not feel alone.

The sleep deprivation I'm experiencing is a joke, and really starting to take it's toll. I get up and eat chocolate and/or cereal 3/4 times a night. It is quite funny I guess, but add to that the pain and stiffness I'm feeling and I'm left at the point of exhaustion daily. Then add the pain killers and other medication I'm taking- I've bloody had enough!

I can barely function at home or at work, I just feel.... ill. I wonder if nicotine withdrawal plays it's part in all of this? I'm so proud of not smoking but I must be careful- I'm still addicted to nicotine and have to wean myself off of it. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

I have a really huge, literally life changing few months ahead of me. Next year I will be starting a new life. I'm putting a lot of hopes on this anti TNF treatment, which is a bad thing to do. If i have problems with it I could end up in a very bad place. I don't want that. I don't want to drag myself and my family down. I want to lift us all up.

I need to exercise. I never have. But it is so important for people with Ankylosing Spondylitis to exercise. Swimming is supposed to be especially good. But I'm not exercising. Hell I've just given up smoking, the only exercising I'm doing is with my fecking jaws, chewing down literally double the food I was before. I swear I've put on half a stone in a month.

You're at a turning point Mark. Life could go off in many directions over the next 3/4 months. Make good choices. Chin up.

I really am too tired to carry on tonight. What a shitty post.

An Ode To Cigarettes

Oh my Sir Walter, what can I say?
You introduced us to something that just won't go away
No-one is left out, no ethnicity or race
We live breathe and die, together in one place.

Culture communes, bridges all gaps of class
To be enjoyed by the masses, we can all breathe our last.
The romance of nostalgia and the innocent breath
As we all breathe down deeply one step closer to death.

A certain beauty is present, an addiction to peace,
The way we relax and fight off daily grief.
For better or worse something good must have come
From polluting our friends, strangers, lovers and lungs.

So give me a rolly, a cigar or a fag
A pouch of the best, or a box, or a bag.
That sweet sweet aroma, swirls round inside me.
Killing me slowly, as happy as can be.