It's been a hard few days. I nearly broke. I have been struggling real bad for a few months but it got worse, to breaking point so I went to the Doctor & I asked for help.
What can the Doctor actually do to help people with incurable illnesses? Quite a bit, I guess. But for me, and the "Smarties tube" amount of pain killers I take daily, the GP offered me a final option- anti-depressants. Not the option I was after. I've been there and done that, I can't go back. I don't like to go into detail about this side of things, so I'll stop for now. Suffice to say I take a lot of damn medication.
I have visualisations of seeing myself turn to stone. Like daydreams. It's how I imagine Ankylosing Spondylitis- Slowly....turning....to....stone.... There are visualisations to combat and reduce the negative effects of all kinds of ill health, I like to believe that. And watching yourself turn to stone IS NOT one of them.
I watched a documentary once about this kind of therapy. A kid with a serious disease (I don't remember exactly what) was told to go to bed everynight and imagine x-wing fighters (from the star wars movies) going to battle with the evil empire space fighters (his disease). He did this every night for a long time, until one evening, he went to bed and there were no enemy fighters. When tested, his disease had disappeared. Now, whether this is true or not, I don't know. But it stuck with me. And (sad & geeky I'm sure) I have tried this many times myself, in different ways. I'm not saying it works, I just love the idea of positive energy and reinforcement. And hell, if you BELIEVE it works, then why not. WHY NOT.
I live with many other fears too. I'm a natural pessimist. God I hate pessimism. How can we move forward as people if we live in a world of pessimism? Pessimists are dicks.
If my kids or grandkids get AS, how will they deal with it? How bad will it be for them? What will treatment be like in 10, 20, 30, 40 years? It can only get better, surely. My Nanny didn't have as many treatment options as i have. Anti-TNF treatment is relatively new, it will be well developed by the time my kids have grown up and have children of their own. There could be cures in 40 years for all sorts of today's incurables, including AS. I hope so.
Back to today and things are not good for me. Signed off of work for 2 weeks. That is serious shit. I need to use this time to evaluate my life, and attitude. I need to turn things around. No easy task. December, when I'm due to start the Anti-TNF, is still a long way off. I'm ill. In more ways than one. I acknowledge that now. I need to work out what to do and how to do it.
That is the first step. Acknowledgment. And my foot is in the air.
Let's hope it doesn't land in a pile of shit.
It will land there! And have to say believing in your health will make the difference! I still have little acomplishments... It only took two hours today to do general clean up and do the dishes! Been out from work since mid July. Smile as much as it hurts! "Air hugs"
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